It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
