I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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