Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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