I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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