I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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