My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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