I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I will die if light touches me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
