I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
