So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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