Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
