I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
