If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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