Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
