Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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