i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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