woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My vagina just clenched in fear
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