I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
