I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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