the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
