Your mouth is God's brothel.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
