Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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