I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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