Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This girl is more easily done than said...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
