Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
