When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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