I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
