New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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