Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I AM VODKA MAN
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
