Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
