I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
how does that bad decision feel?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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