she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
