Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
