I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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