I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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