please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
