he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
