He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
