A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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