I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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