I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
