i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
