You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
