and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
