she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
