Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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