I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
