just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am one with the molecules
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
