Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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