now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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