he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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